This tongue in cheek entry is in rebuttal to a post on the internet titled ‘From Your Bartender’ on Craigslist.
First off, us male customers like our bartenders to be both HOT and FEMALE (and not necessarily in that order).
When we walk in to a joint, we like to be hailed loudly with honorariums such as ‘Who da man? You da man! Or ‘My Gawd! Someone get this Adonis a seat!
We also like it when bartenders check out our ‘junk’ with an appraising eye, and yes, it’s definitely OK if they give us cute nicknames like Mr. Big Tree or Thor the Incredible.
When sitting down at the bar, we really appreciate having some ‘eye candy’ front and center. Bonus points are awarded for generous cleavage and dressing in a manner that suggests after-hours work on the street.
We also appreciate it when our drink of choice materializes immediately in front of us as we are just sitting down. (If the bartender breaks an ankle getting there first, then so be it). Then if (when) we change our minds and order something different, the bartender will sheepishly offer the one she brought for free while hobbling quickly off to get the gentleman’s newly preferred libation.
Real men also prefer that the bartender spend an inordinate amount of time chatting with us to the complete exclusion of other patrons in the bar. This shows everyone present that we are the one and only Alpha Male in the entire joint.
Never ever expect fugal men like us to be big tippers. We work hard for our money and only want to spend it on cheap booze, slow women and motels bearing the name No Tell.
Please do not challenge us when we search in our pants pocket for our wallet and come up empty. Really! We simply forgot to bring it! That’s why tabs were invented. Duh!
Lastly, when we are finally ready to depart, it would be much appreciated if the bartender scurries around to the door to hold it open and yells ‘Elvis is leaving the building’.